Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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