Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
