i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
