we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
