when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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