life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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