I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
