I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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