Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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