Got a toothbrush?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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