I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All the doctor said was why
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
