every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
