i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
