You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
