also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
