We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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