tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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