dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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