you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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