You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
send nudes
from the living room?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize