just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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