i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
