you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I could fuck to npr.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
