there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize