if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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