I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
