We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
