We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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