He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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