i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
