my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
