Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
