I accidentally had phone sex last night
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize