he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
