it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
worst night to have a conscience
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
