Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
