what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
