How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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