I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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