Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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