JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
