don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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