so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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