i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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