so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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