just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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