I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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