Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
