Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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