In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
