He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
