a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
