We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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