The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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